Nobody in my family has done this before
Learn the unwritten rules of graduate school that other students seem to have picked up at home.
In short
Start here, today. Write down three things about how your program works that you've been too embarrassed to ask about. Pick one and ask a senior student, your graduate coordinator or your supervisor this week. This takes about 15 minutes.
After that, work through these steps. Choose one to jump to it.
Step by step
Tick each step as you finish it. Open a step for the how.
0 of 6 steps done
Read the rules that are written down
Find your program handbook, the graduate regulations and any supervision agreement. They explain milestones, time limits, funding conditions and what you can expect from your supervisor. Plenty of students never read them, so knowing them puts you ahead, not behind.
Ask about the unwritten ones
Ask a student a year or two ahead what they wish they'd known: how often people meet their supervisor, whether to go to department talks, how to get onto a conference program. Most people are glad to be asked, and the answers are often simpler than you'd expect.
Use the support offices
Graduate studies offices often have advisors for questions about supervision, leave and program changes, and they keep conversations confidential. Writing centres, career services and financial aid offices are used by students from every background. Using them is part of how the system works.
Find mentors in more than one place
Your supervisor can't be your only guide. A peer mentor, a faculty member outside your committee, an alumni mentoring program or a first-generation student network, if your university has one, can each fill a different gap.
Explain your work at home in one sentence
Families often want to help but don't know how. A plain description of what you're working on, why it takes years and what a normal week looks like can help them understand why you're busy and what kind of support makes a difference.
Write down what you figure out
Each time you learn one of the unwritten rules, note it. Over time you'll have a guide of your own, and you'll be able to pass it on to the next first-generation student in your department.
Words you can use
Asking a senior student about the unwritten rules
Hi [Name], I'm a [first-year master's or PhD] student in [department]. I'm the first in my family to go to graduate school, and I'm still working out how a lot of things work here. Would you have 20 minutes for a coffee or a call in the next few weeks? I'd love to hear what you wish you'd known in your first year. Thank you, [Your name]
Is this you? Signs to look for
- Other students seem to know things nobody told you, like how often to email your supervisor or which events actually matter.
- Your family is proud of you but can't really picture what you do all day.
- You feel you should already know how things work, so you don't ask.
- Money worries take up more of your attention than they seem to for your classmates.
Why this happens
Graduate school runs on a lot of unwritten rules: how to work with a supervisor, what a committee is for, why people go to conferences, which opportunities matter and how to ask for them. Students whose parents went to university, and especially those whose parents work in academia, often absorb these rules without noticing. If you're the first in your family, you may be learning them as you go, which takes time and energy other people don't have to spend.
This is a gap in information, not in ability. In a Council of Graduate Schools survey in the United States, more than a quarter of doctoral students identified as first-generation. They were more likely than their peers to carry undergraduate loans and rated their program's support for their career goals a little lower, but they didn't differ in their sense of career direction or preparation.
You also bring things the unwritten rules don't capture: experience of work, of managing money, of explaining complicated things to people outside your field. Those count.
Worth a look (6)
- Insights into First-Generation Doctoral Students, Council of Graduate SchoolsA short research brief on first-generation doctoral students' finances, career goals and experience of program support, based on US data.
- Graduate student support and advising, University of Calgary Faculty of Graduate StudiesAn example of the confidential advising many graduate offices offer on supervision, leave and program options.
- MentorLINC, University of CalgaryAn example of an informal mentoring platform connecting students with alumni. Ask whether your university has one.
- Find A HelplineSearch by country and topic to find free, confidential helplines you can call, text or chat with. It works wherever you're studying, including just after a move abroad.
- Befrienders WorldwideA directory of emotional support centres around the world, where trained volunteers listen without judging. Search by country to find one you can contact.
- Doing What Matters in Times of StressAn illustrated WHO guide to coping with stress, built on short self-help exercises you can practise for a few minutes a day. It's free, with audio, in many languages.
When to bring someone in
Your graduate studies office can explain program rules and help confidentially with supervision or funding questions. Financial aid and student awards offices can help if money is tight. If feeling like an outsider is affecting your sleep, mood or work, talk to your university's counselling service. If you're treated unfairly because of your background, you can raise it with your graduate coordinator or your university's equity office.
Find the right person, or talk to Ify